Ladies of the Casual - The Head Nurse
-by Jack Daniel Morgan

   Lt. Pixie Bailey was seated on a stool in front of a holo-cam. "My likes include hotdogs, long walks on the beach, and people who like bunnies! And my dislikes are getting mugged, people who smoke, and problems with the en-vir-on-ment!" She smiled brightly, stumbled a bit over the word 'environment,' and began to slip out of her Class "B" uniform.

   The Ladies of the Casual interviewer started to open his mouth to remind the Lieutenant that she wasn't here for a nude photo shoot. Luckily, he realized his error before actually telling Lt. Bailey to get dressed. Her eyes grew wide and full of concern at his expression. "Is there something wrong, sir? Are you hurt?"

   "No dear, maybe later." Mr. Morgan whipped out his… uh… notes… (actual notes, I'm not kidding!). "Now, Lieutenant Bailey, please tell us about your life before the Casual."

   "Well… my mom was insem… insimi… well, the doctor shoved a turkey baster into her-"

   "Inseminated!"" interrupted Jack. ""The word is inseminated.""

   "Oh. Sorry. So my mom was in-sem-in-a-ted with sperm from a lab patient who was testing the effects of eating dryer lint. I guess he was my dad."" A wistful look crossed Pixie's face. ""When I was born, the doctors took me away and studied me. I remember we played games and watched movies and things."

   "Then, when I was older, the doctor taught me a new game… it was called 'hide the salami.'"

   Jack Morgan began to squirm in his chair.

   "He would leave little piles of hard salami hidden around the kitchen, and I'd have to find them and give them back to him. It was lots of fun!"

   "One day, though, I got hungry, and I… uh… ate the doctor's salami. He was really mad at first, but when I told him how much I like to eat salami, he said it was OK." Pixie noticed a suppressed comment attempting to fight its way out of Jack's mouth. "And, hey! He made that same face, Jack!"

    Pixie looked at him with concern for a moment before her normal dazed cheeriness returned. "That was when doc decided I should train for a job. He told me about these big metal ships that float in space, and he said that he knew of one where my talents would be most app… ayppr… uh… wanted. So he sent me to school to learn how to mix medicine and he promised that they'd let me eat all the salami I want."

   Jack chuckled under his breath. Pixie continued. "He always laughed when he said that too. Why is that?" Bailey shrugged, and then the dazed look returned to her face.

   "Anyway, so off I went to nursing school… where they taught me how to mix drugs and alcohol, give and receive injections, and to wear PVC without chafing. While I was there, I worked as a candy striper at the local hospital, working with impotency patients. I was very good at getting them up and around." Lt. Bailey stopped then, looked down at herself, and remembered she was naked.

   "You can get dressed, if you want to, that is," said Jack, somewhat crestfallen.

    "Huh? Oh. No," Pixie answered, "I was just remembering the job agency. After I graduated and went back to live with Doc again, he sent me to a place that would help me get work on one of the big space ships. So I made one of those re-zoom-ay thingies and wrote down my skills… well, skill… actually I wrote candy striper on an old gum wrapper and gave it the agency people."

    "I guess they don't read too good, or I don't write too good, cuz before I knew it I was wrapped around a pole smack dab in the middle of the RecDeck, wearing nothing but a G-string and pasties made to look - and taste - like Wurther's Originals."

   "So that's how you ended up here?" asked Jack. "How do you explain your rapid promotion?"

   "I was a RecDeck stripper for a few years before Commander Renee Darvis found me giving oral assistance to one of the guests for his impotence problem during my break. She decided that my kind of medicine was exactly what she needed on her staff (and on other peoples' staffs too), so I was reassigned into Medical to take over her old job as Head Nurse. I got promoted cuz it would be weird having a Head Nurse who was an ensign. And now I work for Commander Darvis. She's a great CMO, she even gave me her kneepads!" Pixie giggled at the memory of the jello-wrestling 'gift-giving ceremony' that commemorated the event.

   "I see," said the interviewer. "So you've been aboard the UBS Casual for two years. What are your future plans?"

    "I like helping people, and that's what we do in Medical. Every passing ship that's in major need of party assistance, and every crew member too, knows that all they have to do is board the Casual and if you're sore and tender, we'll take care of your member!"

Personal Log - Head Nurse Bailey - 10303.07

   Mr. Jack Daniel Morgan came in to interview me for his Ladies of the Casual piece for Barfleet Weekly. What a yutz. One mention of salami eating and he was squirming in his chair!

   Reminder for future interviews: include detailed descriptions of my latest protein-extraction process, as well as the Calories per Tablespoon estimation chart for all extracted protein fluid.

   Did Jack really believe I was that dumb? I hope so… as long as the Commodores never know, I'm sure to stay where I am… hell, as long as I can wear PVC, they'll never promote me!

   Now, if I could just figure out what to do with all of my Yo!Men…

End Log.